Dave Carpenter

Humor, travel, beer, and other literary goodies

  • Home
  • Author
  • Books
  • Blog
  • Contact

Eye soar

2012-Nov-20 By Dave Carpenter

Don’t be jealous, but I kind of rocked my eye exam last week.

I always get nervous when I have to do the eye tests, especially the peripheral vision game.  That’s the one where you stare straight ahead at a little dot on a screen, and then every time you detect some wavy lines in your field of vision, you click a handheld device that resembles the lovechild of an original Mac mouse and a vibrator.  I get nervous for a couple of reasons.

  1. I’m usually jacked up on caffeine when I go in for my exam, so wavy lines are going to happen whether I’m staring down the barrel of an optical instrument or not.
  2. I’m afraid I’ll let down the optometrist.

See, I think optometrists judge us after we leave.  I feel similarly about personal trainers, bank tellers, therapists, and — less conjecturally — Republicans.  I always imagine a big group of optical care professionals having lunch at a casual dining establishment and one of them being like, “Hey, I had one this morning who could only make it to line two!”  And then they all share a hearty laugh, a few back slaps (completely heterosexual, of course), and some stuffed jalapeños (completely heterosexual, of course).

I think my fear of ophthalmological chagrin has to do with natural selection.  Because were it not for modern optics, I would have walked straight off a cliff or into oncoming traffic long ago.  Or I might have been a quick and easy weeknight dinner for a small, on-the-go family of hyenas.  I owe my continued existence to refractive technologies ((addiction — ad·dic·tion   n.  Habitual psychological and physiological dependence on a substance or practice beyond one’s voluntary control.)), and I don’t want to disappoint my dealer.

Thankfully, though, my fears were not realized, and not only did I get every single mother f***ing wavy line, but I also made it to line SIX on the letter chart.  So I’ve made it another year.

Though he did tell me I may need reading glasses in the next few years, which I think is his own little way of keeping me humble.

Share this:

  • Share
  • Click to share on Reddit (Opens in new window)
  • Click to share on Twitter (Opens in new window)
  • Click to share on Facebook (Opens in new window)
  • Click to email this to a friend (Opens in new window)

Filed Under: Featured, Observations

Merch

Damn Good Books

Lager: The Definitive Guide to Tasting and Brewing the World’s Most Popular Beer Styles

Amazon author page

Meet the Author

I’m a writer, editor, homebrewer, traveler, and armchair philosopher.

I live in Fort Collins, Colorado, with my wife, two cats, a freezer full of green chiles, and a small armada of fermentation vessels.

Recent

  • Cardinal sin
  • A day in the life
  • Guys and squalls
  • Moth brawls
  • System overload

Search

Copyright © 2025 · Quaffable Quips LLC and Dave Carpenter

loading Cancel
Post was not sent - check your email addresses!
Email check failed, please try again
Sorry, your blog cannot share posts by email.